How many times have you been caught up in a conversation that you’re not trying to have? For example, I remember being harassed for wearing a mask at the line in the grocery store in 2020. They wanted to tell me all about why they didn’t work and blah, blah, blah. In retrospect, I wish I would have told him to shut it. So, how do you tell someone to shut up without saying shut up? According to the internet, these are the best ways.
1. The Apology
Several users employ the strategic apology, “I’m sorry to cut you off, but I actually gotta run! I’ll talk to you later!” before walking away immediately. When one questions how that would work at work, they respond, “Alright, well, I gotta get back to work…”
2. The Knee Slap
A group of midwesterners chime in, stating, “Slap your knees and say “Welp.” However, one argues, “No, the midwesterner keeps talking. ‘Welp’ is just phase one of at least five when leaving.”
Finally, a third adds, “Phase 5 is standing beside the car chatting for an extra 30 minutes before you actually leave, and the host must say ‘be careful going home’ or ‘watch out for deer’ or else you have to start back over at Phase 1 again.”
3. The Walk Away
Numerous forum members admit that they know someone autistic or are autistic themselves and that they just walk away before others admit to wishing they had this superpower. However, some people admit that their autism “masking” doesn’t allow them to do it.
One person explains he doesn’t have autism and still walks away mid-conversation when he is done listening to people. Finally, someone jokes, “The Irish goodbye. A classic.”
4. The Hang Up
One person equates hanging up the phone and walking away. “My dad is the same way with phone calls. When he’s done talking, he’s done talking. He will straight up say, ‘All right, I don’t wanna talk anymore, so I’m gonna hang up.'”
5. The Walk to the Door
Another person shares their tactic for ending conversations, “Continue the conversation but start walking toward the door. They should follow you without thinking…then escort them out the door, and voila. I always do this to contractors that come in my shop and have a thousand stories.”
6. The Point and Run
“Point and act like there’s something behind them, and when they look away, run as fast as you can,” suggests one. Several suggestions for distractions include a three-headed monkey, a supermodel, and the apocalypse.
7. The Slow Shhh
OK. This one made me laugh out loud. Someone suggests, “Move your index finger slowly to their mouth as you softly say, ‘shhh,’ you’ll get all sorts of reactions. It’s great.” Can you imagine?
8. The Phone Died
A forum member offers their method of ending phone calls they are done with: “On the phone? I simply hang up and turn my phone off for seven minutes. Later, I say it died.” I’m not sure of the significance of seven minutes, but countless people loved this technique. “The trick is to hang up while YOU are talking, making it seem like you were disconnected.”
9. The Truth
One bold person explains their tactic: “Sorry to cut you short, but you’ve got more talk than I’ve got time.” Numerous forum members agree that this is one of the better responses in the thread.
10. The Frantic Pick Up
After someone suggests, “Frantically pick up your phone and say you’re sorry you really have to go,” a Simpsons fan quotes one of the best Superintendent Chalmers lines ever. “Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?” Haha, yes.
11. The Knock at the Door
Multiple people admit that when they are on the phone with someone who will not shut up, they employ the fake knock at the door, “Someone is at the door. Talk to you later.”
12. The Headphones Put On
Do you have a set of headphones wrapped around your neck? Then, this tip may work for you. One states, “Put on headphones. The big, over-ear ones. Don’t say anything; just slowly put on your huge cans with an expressionless face.” Another clarifies this can work with AirPods, too.
13. The Fake Phone Call
“I don’t know if it’s still around,” says one. “But there was an Android app at one time that would ring your phone in ten or thirty seconds if you pressed the volume button a few times quickly, even if the phone was asleep. Reach into your pocket, adjust the volume, continue your conversation for a bit, then excuse yourself to take the phone call.”
14. The Stop Right There
Haha, I have no idea how I would respond to someone saying, “Sorry, can I just stop you there?” Then say nothing else,” but the thought of it made me laugh out loud.
15. The Fake Injury
Countless forum members explain that the best way to exit a conversation with someone who refuses to stop talking is to say, “Ouch,” followed by, “I’m so sorry, I need to take care of whatever this is,” then leave.
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Elizabeth Ervin is the owner of Sober Healing. She is a freelance writer passionate about opioid recovery and has celebrated breaking free since 09-27-2013. She advocates for mental health awareness and encourages others to embrace healing, recovery, and Jesus.